Changing Majors

I am relieved. I will not have another child. I will have instead the life I could barely dream for myself instead.

While I was in College, I planned on living out my father’s dream and becoming a businessman, being a woman was something I was going to have to overcome. I got to college and enrolled in Business school and was doing ok until I got to Financial Accounting and was in over my head. I should have taken into account the fact that I was in remedial math, that this may not be the path for me, but as I am coming to realize, I am stubborn and optimist/naive take your pick. I got this trait honestly enough from my mother.

So, school was getting harder and harder and I was enjoying it less and less. To compensate for my pride and GPA , I took classes that peaked my interest Philosophy, Music and Literature and Marketing Communications. I excelled in these classes and it felt like a duck must feel when after waddling along with the chickens sets sail in water. I said ok, I will minor and moonlight in this guilty pleasure of Marketing Communications and Major in the respectable and esteemed major of Business. I had to show my father that of course I as a woman could carry on the family name and business. So, when to my chagrin I was asked to come to see the counselor for the major and they told me that due to the fact I was failing out of math I wasn’t going to be let into the College of Business. I was hurt, mad, upset, embarrassed, ashamed and teary. After I asked again and again was there any way? She took pity on me and said “well on your transcript, these Communications classes are really holding up your GPA, in a good way. Why don’t you major in that.” I was outdone. Take my guilty pleasure and make a honest degree of it. It was the easy degree, no one respected it, more over no one was impressed by it. I wanted to impress people.

I remember crying, well waiting until I got to the bathroom to cry, and leaning against the old wooden door of the stall and letting all of my misery out. Then I was relieved. I could do not what I wanted but what I was good at. What a revelation. I had to change not only my major but my degree from a Bachelors of Science to Art. And it felt good. Now, I think I feel the same way about my fertility. I tried really really did try to have a second baby and it wasn’t in the cards for me. Now, I can change majors from my mother’s and society’s two kid mantra to my one perfect boy and multitude of children who I love and who love me too. The honesty that I couldn’t face myself is that easy or easier is ok for me. I can do that have just one child and still be a good woman, even better I can be me. Because what I am going to do with my easier life is to live out my dreams. I will love myself fiercely. I will be a mother and daughter to myself. I will live out my dreams on my time not on anyone elses.

I have a lot that I want to do, even more that I can do. I will not let anything be a barrier to me living my best life. I still have dreams to fulfill, a son to raise, a husband to love and sooo many other things. When I think of my girls, my beautiful flawed and loving girls it makes my heart hurt. They will never know how much I love them. How they are my daughters, how I loved them as much as I could and with all that I had. I will continue to love them to leave space and energy for them because it fills me up.

Time ain’t forever and if I want to see all the beauty that God has put on my home planet I got to get to it. i am grateful for revelation. For clarity and for love. I am grateful to be Human. I know I am loved. I know I am my mother’s miracle. That is real.

Sunday my husband overheard me talking to my mother on the phone telling her that we have to wear black with touches of pink. And as I was preening in the mirror in my ensemble of black and pink. He was out done. “How did you do it” and I answered in all truth and sass. That I was a woman, phenomenally, phenomenal woman that’s me.

Internal smirk of pride in myself.